V-day special

Hey Kids, Old man Stambaugh here with a special emergency blog post for Valentine's Day.

Some people go all crazy for Valentine's day like it is super special. Some guys if they are in a relationship will be extra nice to their lover on Valentine's day even if they are a dick to her the rest of the year. I am not like those guys because when I am in a relationship I am fuckin great to my lover every damn day (references upon request). There are some other guys who if they are not in a relationship they will be super bitter and angry or maybe just sad and depressed on Valentine's day, even if they are happy and stuff being by themselves the rest of the year. I'm not like those guys either because when I'm bitter and depressed about being single I do it consistently every day but unlike being a fantastic boyfriend I do not have references who will attest to my consistent bitterness. This is because I am not the heartache-bitterness type of guy. I would prefer to be in a relationship, but I also like being single because I can daydream about packing up all my shit and fleeing the country or whatever at a moment's notice, which is not something I can do when I am involved with a lady. In my dreams I have amazing adventures and make lifelong friends and save a civilization and am made an honorable member of their society and in the end I'm super rich and also a smokin' hot redhead is my wife and shit's grand. Another great thing about being single is that I have a lot more time to play video games, so I can finally finish all the quests I was working on and get my characters to maximum level and get all the best armor and swords and potions and ride a magical horse made of solid gold which isn't really very fast or robust but serves mostly as an expression of my wealth and success to taunt my rivals and discourage new players or people with girlfriends who will never match my glory. I guess you could say that my fantasy lives improve drastically on all fronts while my real life takes a nose-dive into a shit-heap. I cook a lot fewer meals and eat a lot more pre-sliced cheeses with barbeque sauce and also I hardly ever laugh or smile except for during the aforementioned fantasies. BUT I'M NOT BITTER. That is the point I am trying to stress here. I am not bitter about it. Not on any day, even Valentine's day when lesser men are. It's mostly spite which keeps me from being bitter. If there were not bitter men out there for me to feel superior to with my acceptance and nonchalance, I would probably be them. Thank you, bitter men, for making me a better person. I guess "better" is not the right word. Thank you for making me bad in a different way which makes me at least FEEL better.

Anyway here are some Valentine's day tips for everyone out there who is still in a relationship. I guess these are comin in pretty late so if you're just now reading this blog lookin for V-Day tips, you're basically fucked. If your partner doesn't really care about V-day stuff then you're in the clear. Either way here are some tips which are good for relationships any day of the year, not including days like SO's mom's funeral or whatever. I don't have many tips for you on that day. I guess I could think of some, but at this time I have nothing ready. Shoot me an email (steakisgood@gmail.com) if you're lookin for some advice on that subject. If I get enough questions I will make a blog post of it. OK here are the tips. They are good for use with boys and girls alike, so if you were worried that these tips would not be useful to you because your lover is not the same gender as my preferred lover, you were worrying about nothing and you can stop now.

1) Be nice to your lover. Being nice to someone should be fun. If it is not fun, you are doing it wrong. You can be nice to them by cooking dinner or giving them a massage or whatever. Just don't be an asshole.

2) Surprise your lover. It is a fact that girls like surprises. It is also a fact that boys like surprises. A surprise ain't gotta be tickets to a show or otherwise fancy expensive thing, it just has to be unexpected. One good surprise is to say that you are going to cook something really boring for dinner but instead cook something awesome. Or say you will cook something awesome and then actually do that but also get a drink that you know she likes (but don't tell her that you are getting it). If you can't cook then you are totally F'd in the A and frankly I do not understand how you managed to score a lady or dude at all. Here is a blog where you can get a few tips about cooking: www.halfhourhandshake.blogspot.com .

3) Objectify your lover. Some people say they only care about what's on the inside or that they want a lover who likes them for their brain, and that's all cool, but still you should go crazy for their body. Men and women can both have body issues and it feels really good when someone views you as a piece of meat that they want to get nasty on. There is a song called " Fuck you like an Animal" by Nine Inch Nails. I am not really a scholar of their works but this song was sent to me by Noura for reasons which I cannot remember, but I am absolutely positive that they were not remotely sexy at all. Not one single little bit. I do remember that she sent me the link over facebook chat. Anyway there is a line in the song which goes "I want to fuck you like an animal." which sums up my feelings on objectification real well. I don't exactly want to get fucked by an animal or fuck someone as an animal would fuck them, but it is nice to be wanted in that way. It is real nice. Quick note, this song is not about "animal style" which is in-n-out lingo for "with pickles, grilled onions, and in-n-out proprietary thousand-island-style spread". I'm not sure what animal-style sex would be like, but I am pretty sure that I would probably like it. This is based off of my experiences with regular burgers (good), animal-style burgers (better), and regular sex (good). If anyone reading the blog has experience with food-fetish sex or has worked at in-n-out and can clear up the mystery of the proprietary spread, shoot me an email at steakisgood@gmail.com to arrange a Q/A session for a future blog post. Please mention in the subject line of your email which category you belong to (fetishist or grill monkey).

That's basically all the tips I've got for the general audience. If you've got specific questions about Valentine's Day, other days, or a subject which is not even a day at all, shoot me an email (steakisgood@gmail.com) and I'll hook you up.

Here is a funny story about Valentine's day. In my senior year of college my buddy Greg was out of town for a surf trip in San Diego (300 miles from SLO, where we went to college), so I took Tracie (his girlfriend) out for Valentine's Day. I actually just met her at her place on Eto Circle that night and we hiked up in the Irish Hills. She told me a lot of things which are not really secrets but probably still shouldn't be broadcast in such a public forum, even years later, so it must suffice to say that nobody got eaten by a mountain lion and a good time was had by all. Maybe if she becomes very famous I will sell the transcripts of our conversations to a sensationalist magazine. A year later Tracie was in Malawi studying why the people there are so skinny (it's a bacterial thing, she says. They did research with twins which involved weighing their poops), and so I was Greg's date on Valentine's Day. I made a big ol' batch of chow mein and we had a great feast. Max was there too. He hasn't told me so but that was probably the best Valentine's Day he's ever had (Max, not Greg). Anyway Greg and Tracie are married now so they are usually together on Valentine's day. I'll probably call them tonight or send them an erotically-charged text message or something. I'll do anything I can to force myself into their happy relationship since I am now totally unnecessary.

The only time I've ever been involved with a girl on Valentine's day who was not somebody else's girl was in my second year of college. I got 2 big blocks of chocolate at Trader Joe's and carved each piece into the shape of half of a heart, and then I printed out some pictures of myself and my girlfriend and traced them in the chocolate. In the end it was a big (6 inch diameter) piece of solid chocolate with our faces carved in it, so that was pretty cool. The twist is that I gave it to her on February 13th when she wouldn't expect it and I don't think I did anything special on valentine's day. It was well-received. My gay roommates and a straight girl next-door thought it was really cool, and also I probably got a kiss or whatever upon delivery but I tended to get those anyway so that is not conclusive. My documentation from that period is extremely poor and so I cannot comment on how effective it was at getting me any closer to "dat nookie" (which is NOT what gifts are all about), except I am absolutely certain that I was still a virgin on February 15th. It was definitely a hit, though. Maybe this should have gone in the tips section. Let's call it tip #4.

I already mentioned a failed Valentine's Day effort which I guess had to be from my 4th year of college when I baked a sourdough loaf in the shape of a heart for a girl who was entirely not interested in me in that way. If you want to read about that story, check out my bread post from earlier. I probably gave the bread to her roommate and booked it over to Tracie's. That was a busy night.

I hope that's enough V-Day advice to get ya started, cus that's all I've got for now. Here's some universal advice for the romantically involved and the singletons alike: Use protection if it is not your express intention to conceive, and never mix alcohol with tranquilizers. Good night, kids.

NEXT POST: ROAD KILL. EVERYBODY GIT STOKED.