How to Get a Haircut Like an Idiot

Something I think about a lot is how communication sometimes breaks down in human relationships for totally unexpected reasons. Through some combination of stupidity and ignorance sometimes you say or do something that is received in a totally different way than intended. Imagine touring a foreign country and giving someone a thumbs-up only to realize later it means "go fuck yourself" or something. These things can pop up for all sorts of reasons be it culture, gender, geographic location, whatever. Sometimes somebody gets offended, or you realize you ordered the wrong thing on a menu. These opportunities should be welcomed as a chance to learn and understand different people and what makes them tick. There's a lesson to be learned from the following story; exactly what it is I'm not sure.

I turned 25 a few weeks ago and it made me a little self conscious. I mean...in a lot of ways I'm an adult (job, paying for shit, being mad at the economy) and in a lot of ways I'm not. For example I've just never been able to really care much about clothes and style. Going clothes shopping for me elicits the same emotional response as pulling styrofoam out of a cardboard box, or watching videos of people hitting themselves in the dick with a hammer. Anyways now that I'm a full quarter century it's sorta dawned on me finally that absolutely everyone is judging me at all times for this and that I need to look fresh if I'm going to be taken seriously. Since all the clothes stuff is still a little a little too unsettling for me I thought a nice first baby step would be to get a decent haircut. I've been rocking the shaggy emo kid look for about 13 years now and it looks stupid. I thought this time when I got it cut I'd go a little shorter. This exposition is basically just to set up what happens next but I'd like to make a very clear point: I set out today with a very reasonable goal. At no point for the rest of the story will I revisit this seemingly clear thinking.

San Jose is sort of an interesting place cause it's really pretty diverse and you end up interacting with people on all sorts of strata. I think this is different than what I've seen from other "diverse" places because it seems like there's not one predominant theme that dominates any one place (at least in the neighborhood I live). There's a bit of fluidity between the young yuppie tech guys, Vietnamese immigrants, Indian VISA workers and the Mexican and black families that lived here before Silicon Valley exploded. It seems like everyone mingles pretty well. 

One of the things I've noticed over the last year is the abundance of barber shops. These aren't like Supercuts or hair salons but straight up barber shops where nobody uses scissors and they shave your lines in the end with a hardware store razor blade. And what I learned about this is that "urban" men (ie non-whites) really like to get their hair cut often. Like sometimes once a week. This is an entirely foreign concept to me since I'm a 2-3 month haircut guy. I mostly just trim everything down but this is more of an involved affair. You buzz 'em down, square off the sides and then shape everything straight and super clean. It's kinda cool to watch and I've had a couple good hair cuts from these places. The barbers are usually pretty good with scissors and keeping things longer and the price is always pretty good. I used to go to a Vietnamese place that would give me a haircut, shave and face massage for $14 bucks. The last place I went (in December) catered mostly to Mexicans (I think) and I got to witness this exchange:

Customer: (comes in quickly) Hey man are you still open?

Barber: No I've been working all day, sorry.

C: I'm begging you, I've got some out of town strange coming in and I need to get my cuts in before tonight.

B: Sorry man.

Me: (slowly figuring out the definition of "strange" using critical thinking and context clues)

C: I will pay you twice whatever you want.

B: Ok.

Me: (Oh! This guy is trying to get laid!)

Me: Good luck man!

I thought that was pretty interesting and if it hadn't been for the barbershop I never would have learned that new word. Anyways this is a lot of buildup but basically this is how I decided to try out a black barbershop. I rode my bike over and I was in the chair of a big black guy within about 5 minutes. He had actually been using a leaf blower when I showed up and I asked if it was for blowing all the hair around. He said it was for blowing leaves off the sidewalk. I suggested using it for the hair and we both laughed.

Normally when I get a haircut I go down to a 1" on the top, then whatever on the sides. It's really not a lot of direction. Since I wanted to do the "adult" thing I decided this time to go for 3/4". So I told Joel that I wanted 3/4. And he laughed again and said okay. And then he spun me facing away from the mirror. 

Things are going along nicely until I get a look at what kind of hair buzzer thing he's using. This is when I realize that there's a BIG difference between going to a scissors place and asking for 3/4" and going to primarily hair buzzer-based barbershop where 3/4 is also the size of a (as it turns out incredibly short) buzz length. I'm not sure what the units are on buzz cut numbers but right now my best guess is centimeters. He's about half way done with the top of my head at this point. Once my body internalizes what's going on I get kinda queasy and start to sweat. I wonder if Joel notices. The funny part is, for what it is, he did a pretty good job.

I'm going to go ahead and take like 90% of the blame for what happened. I paid Joel and even tipped him because he gave me exactly what I asked for. I want to give him maybe 10% of the blame because he probably should have known that a piece-of-shit white kid who rides up on his bike in a dirty white undershirt and long-ass unkempt hair probably doesn't want a sick fade. Is that a reasonable expectation? I really have no idea whether I should expect people to call me out for being an idiot. I mean as far as I know most black men probably internalize the idiocy of white men at an early age. Now that I'm an adult maybe people just assume I know what I'm talking about. 

Wikipedia says that human hair grows at a rate of 0.5 inches/month but they don't specify if head hair grows faster or shorter than other hair. I figure at this rate I only have to stay holed up in my apartment for about 6 weeks before I can start socializing again. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about work. I had a couple ideas. Calling in sick is a little too dramatic. I could wear a hat but most people at work know I never wear hats and it would strike them as weird and the truth would eventually come out anyways. I briefly considered the moral consequences of saying I shaved my head in solidarity with a friend with cancer but then I realized it would lead to this inevitable conversation several months later:

Coworker: Hi Max, how is your friend with cancer?

Me: I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I thought maybe I could just shave it to the skull but realized that by Monday it would then be at the length it is now (I wrote this on Saturday). It would serve as a good opportunity to race my beard hair against my head hair but that will look even stupider (if that's even possible). At the very least I would be able to add some information to Wikipedia (just kidding, they don't let you cite your own research). 

Anyways I'm going to wrap this up and go curl into a little ball and feel sorry for myself. If you're keeping score at home here's a list of lessons I learned about myself today:

1) I need to communicate in a clear manner. I should be very specific when describing my thoughts and desires. I should use units when appropriate.

2) I am much shallower about my appearance than I thought. 

3) My skull is not as smooth as I expected.