Monday, January 14, 2013

More steaks.

I've got the alley-oop for Max here (sports metaphor), having successfully dated a girl with a steak. Here's what I did / what you should do. This is loosely based on actual events, in the same way that the film "Titanic" was based on actual events.

1) Buy a Prime NY steak at Costco. $16/lb, mine was about 0.9lb. The steak was more than an inch thick.
2) Leave the steak in your car while you talk to your shrink. This is part of the acclimation process. It will not work well if your car is very cold.
3)Go home from your shrink's office. Take the steak with you.
4)Resume acclimation on the counter. This will not work very well if your kitchen is very cold.
5)Get your date revved up. Do this by telling her that you have a thrilling tale, but force her to go to the library with you first before you tell it. This is called foreplay.
6)Return from the library and pour some drinks to set the mood for story-telling. I used non-alcoholic drinks because at the time I was on medication which conflicted with alcohol. My sweetest honeybunny wuvvwy widdle honey gem jewel abstained from alcohol in solidarity. This is not a necessary element, but if your date is on the wagon and you drink as the host, you are a cunt, and will probably die as a virgin, and rightfully so, thank you natural selection.
7)Tell a tale of your quest for an awesome dinner feast. It is important that you be questing for something which is slightly less bodacious than the steak you have on the counter (she hasn't seen it yet). Then tell her how you failed in your quest because of market availability or something. She will be distraught. Then you tell her about the steak. Then she wants to see it. Oh baby does she want to see it. Make her beg for it. Get overtly sexual as you do it. Strong innuendos. Then bring out the steak. If she doesn't say something along the lines of "oh, it's so thick" or "it looks so big, I don't know if I can take that much", chuck that bitch out. It doesn't really matter what she says as long as she continues the innuendo.
8)She touches the steak. She remarks on how soft it is, not sure if she should be excited (that is a good quality in meat) or sad (not a good quality in penis). Tell her that it will firm up some as things heat up. She grins, obviously impressed by your skilled recovery of an unsure situation. Then you tell her that the steak is still acclimating and is not ready to cook, but that you have some already-firm meat to entertain her while the steak finishes acclimating, about 15 minutes. No, 30 minutes. Oh fuck yes.
9)Have sex. It's good, you enjoy it. Don't be skimpy with the cunnilingus. I have it straight from the mouth of a real live woman that most sexual dissatisfaction results from insufficient time dedicated to foreplay, not penetration. Are you hearin' me, fellas? YA DON'T GOTTA POUND THAT PUSSY FOR AN HOUR. FIVE MINUTES WILL BE FINE, IF YA PREP IT RIGHT. THIS IS THE SAME WAY YOU COOK A STEAK. If your medications include anorgasmia as a side-effect, that sucks.
10)Cast iron skillet, high heat. Love that steak with some S&P. Big ol rock's of S, that's how I like it. It might be called "sea S", but it is really just like regular S, but in big ol' rocks. The P should be freshly ground over the steak. If this does not describe how you put P on your steak, you are ruining that steak, and you are also an idiot who will likely die a virgin, unless you followed steps 4-9. This is why those steps came first, before you showed her that you don't know how to cook a steak. I'm dooming mankind by providing the "cheat codes" around natural selection. What are YOU doing with YOUR life?
11)Is that skillet hot? Put some oil in it (not a lot). If your oil explodes into flames you are using the wrong kind of oil. Put the steak into the skillet on top of the oil. If it is not sizzling, you have failed. Take the steak out and research chemical castration on the internet while your pan continues heating up. It is considered good practice as a host to provide a magazine or something for your poor, poor, guest. At this time she may request an alcoholic beverage. You should fulfill that request, it's the least you can do. The poor girl is devastated. If the steak sizzles, everything is good. Let it sizzle for a couple minutes. Then turn it over and let it sizzle on the other side for a couple minutes. Hold the steak on its edge so that the white fat gets cooked, Then turn the heat off and let it absorb the residual heat from the skillet. You've probably heard that a steak should only be flipped once. The truth is that it only NEEDS to be flipped once. You can cook a great steak flipping it only once. It won't ruin anything if you flip it twice, or three times. After that and you're a circus clown. Just remember how much time you have it on each side so that it cooks more-or-less symmetrically. You can poke it with your finger to see how cooked it is, but unless you have poked a lot of steaks of this cut and this grade and this thickness, it isn't a very precise test. That is ok. A good steak is very forgiving.
12)Let that steak rest a few minutes. Slice an onion and cook it up in the steak juices. Remember that steak? Cut it in half. Put one of the halves on your date's plate. You should have side dishes ready to accompany. If your date is worth a damn she will have prepared a salad or something while you handled the steak. Or, if YOU are worth a damn, you already have a side ready. Like a salad.
13)Eat that steak. It's so, so good. Fuck is it good. It is rare as hell, and that is the way you and your date like it. You're gonna slice a piece off of your half and feed it to her. Fuck. Yes. Her eyes close cus she's havin' such a good time. In the restaurant industry this situation is called "Maximum jizz factory".
14)Have sex again.

7)SEX. (optional)

Send questions to (That is for real).

***SPECIAL UPDATE*** 1/16/13
Here is how you don't burn your hand on the skillet like in Max's method.
Buy one of these, or if your birthday is coming up, ask your grandma for one. It is her pleasure to spoil you with gifts and she cannot stand how content you are with your modest lifestyle. If your birthday is not for awhile, you should abstain from steaks until then. That is plan B. It is a stupid plan. Don't do it. Just go out and buy one. I like brightly-colored ones because you look at them and think "WTF IS THAT? OH RIGHT, THE SKILLET IS FUCKING HOT, BUT (counter-intuitively) THE RED PART IS SAFE TO GRAB." You should put the handle-cover-thing on the skillet handle AFTER it comes out of the oven. You might even put it on the skillet after you open the oven door but before you take the skillet out. Then you know that you are protected. One step process, chuck those oven mitts (unless you have another hot dish to serve with the steak which would require insulating protective garments, or maybe you are super poor and use the oven mitt to protect the table from the hot bottom-side of a pan. Frugality is sexy. To me.).

I would like to clarify some things RE: the girl who ate the other half of my steak. Thing ONE: Steps 9 and 14 happened in simulations only. She is not that kind of girl. I repeat, SHE IS NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL. Thing TWO: We were already in a committed relationship at the time of eating. The steak was NOT instrumental in the initial courtship, but was certainly useful as a means of maintaining friendly relations.

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